this street looks just like the next street

i have a bruise on my cheek, right under my left eye, from furtive heads butting in the dark, unaccustomed to so much space. I am coming back to livejournal just to keep a record of my days, so here's the shorthand, i'm just tired of forgetting.

monday night: faux sickness, sequined minidress, LADY GAGA, drinks with katie and bryan, excessive quantities of everything, fast and deep conversation with kami, excessive quantities of everything else, a quiet little stoney voice peaking out under the covers and the wild darkness that followed.

in the morning, a most restless sleep and cold, a bright windy day of weed and mimosas, weiler's and pajamas and, considering some circumstances, almost no contemplation. at night, a reunion that filled a well inside me, a well that spilled out of meggie's eyes and drowned hillary and i in a kind of loud, faint induced splendor, drowned us all in beer and whiskey and friendship and love, love, love. stayed up with erin until 3 am talking about someone i don't care about, but do. i know that i care about all the people that drove all the way to see me last night, and i cuddled with misty and didn't sleep and am here at work now and you know what? i'm finding and focusing on all the ways life is so good.

i'll do a stream of consciousness about monday night when i'm not at work, because lady gaga fucking changed the game for me and it was one of the best nights of my life.

when i'm doing things right, my entire life feels like small faces "itchycoo park," only turned up really really loud.

i'm 23, i should know better.

i could not be having a more "magnetic fields" day if i tried. cheese, microwaved vegan chocolate chip cookies, my dark dark room, the 5-7 days i'm giving myself before i start bleeding like lady gaga's vima performance. i never get stoned before work but i think i might tonight. boredom, restlessness, and an impenetrable (though traceable) moodiness. this pain, this dying, this is just normal. this is how life is. in fact, i realize, there never was an earthquake. life is just this way, broken, and i am crazy to hope for something else.

pretty sure my mom reads my livejournal (and my friends' livejournals?) how very, very high school. not that it really matters much these days, but i'm going back to making these private, just a heads up.

my favorite kind of sexual attraction, it turns out, includes an element of discomfort and anxiety. it is easily identifiable as an unpleasant feeling but one that is integral to my draw to particular people. hm.

the cold makes everything feel dangerous. it gives the night a sense of urgency. my heart is an irregular drumbeat, hearing for the first time the lyrics of "hey ya" as painful and romantic. i am being really in touch with myself lately, and there's this sensation that is coursing through me in a warming, fulfilling way. it really feels like a new season.

so many things afoot in the life of jordan. good things, actually. i got a job! i wanted to be able to write this in big, scrolling capital letters. i wanted to make it the status of every social networking site, to call up my parents and old teachers and say, I AM MAKING SOMETHING OF MYSELF. i wanted to be able to quit starbucks. it's not that kind of job. it's a job that doesn't pay anything impressive, for a company that i think does awesome cool things but is very very small. when i told my mother, she said, "oh, that's nice." so it's not the kind of thing that merits a tremendous amount of boasting, but i'm excited about it nonetheless. and i'm still making coffee some nights, which is cool i guess, and i need to stop taking for granted the perks of being there. like the people i get to see. or whatever. so after a few days of feeling down on myself about not moving forward as speedily or precociously as i might have liked, this is definitely a step in the right direction. and besides, we shouldn't be doing our dream jobs right now. if we were doing exactly the work we wanted to do and making all the money we could ask for, where would we have to go in life? there is time.

( every man i fall for drinks his coffee black/love and hate are tattooed on his knuckles, and my name is on his back. )

also, dear friends, who might be looking for a gift for me for any particular reason, such as my birthday which is- gasp- two months way! look no further than this website. http://www.novel-t.com/shirts.htm. i want them allllll. particularly "dick," "sawyer," or the raven "poe." isn't it a sign of my growing up that "pryne" feels, well, too obvious?

let me make this clear in another way:
if i didnt live with my parents i'd be getting laid right now.

did i just get 4 am booty called by my supervisor?



(i lack the discipline to write as much as i'd like to, and it doesn't help that livejournal is dead. but. wtf.)

9/15- ed helms/demetri martin/creed bratton @ the coronet
10/17,18- treasure fucking island
11/5- the pixies @ the palladium with my little one

yay for spending money i don't have on concerts i don't REALLY need to see. did y'all know jon brion plays at largo every friday night? when little bretty-boo moves to town, it is SO ON. my life is a punch drunk melody.

i mean, i could get overwhelmed by the financial mess of my life, all the other messes, all the negatives, but....why? as long as there is a conscious productive effort to move away from where i currently am, there's no point in staying down and unhappy and punishing myself.

and now, here's to five days off and the ensuing madness with akiva that is commencing.....now.

late night realization: i don't actually hate romantic comedies, at all. i think i love romantic comedies. i think they may be my favorite genre of film. i just have incredibly high standards for what i consider a good romantic comedy. breaking upwards will stick with me. enjoyed it so tremendously. (perks of the internship! yay!)

i really need to start getting more than three hours of sleep, by the way. am i really about to work a 12 hour day? oh shit, yes i am.

this summer has been paul baribeau's "christmas lights" for too long and too closely. well, "too" is a tricky adverb here- i accept it and am not disturbed by it, i'm just recognizing how nice (?) it is to have someone articulate yourself for you. is it andrea gibson who says, "i wish i could right wrongs instead of writing poems"? something like that. i would settle for writing poems, i think. i would give anything to make great art, but more than that, to transform myself into some kind of great art. i don't think i am brave enough. i think i am too lazy, also. the things you hate most about the people you've alienated are always the things you hate most in yourself, you know.

my sister said something in the passing of an important conversation we had yesterday, implying her life plan included falling in love, moving away, in a way she almost took for granted. i realized that this stopped being part of my image of my future- i'm not sure when. now i wonder if i ever really felt it there. motherhood, yes. a home of my own. falling in love, finding my life partner, or rather, my life partner finding me, i'm not sure i have ever seen this for my adult self. i cannot tell if this depresses me. it doesn't mean anything significant, anyway.

i went to a taping of the tonight show with conan o'brien with jen today. the lead singer of third eye blind performed barefoot on a rug, prancing around and whistling and the epitome of douche, really. it was fun- i would enjoy going again. we also ate at this place i drive by every morning on the way to work, sun power cafe. i often giggle at the unabashed optimism of the place, even from its exterior. turns out it's this vegan organic natural food place with things like cashew cheese and my god, it was delicious. i am going to miss jen when she moves to new york (on sunday.) i realize we've known each other for a year, we were roommates a year ago. some days the reality of my time in hungary will still hit me with all its meaning and joy and strange dreamlike quality. i am pleased to know everyone i experienced my time there with feels very similarly. how do i make enough money to take my family to israel?

i don't think i'm going to be singing a different song for a while. that's ok, i know. sometimes i don't want to make new friends, sometimes i just miss my old friends.

every night i come home promising to write, but i usually just end up watching the office. all caught up for season six- when it started, straight up, i thought it was a solid show worth watching but not a favorite or anything. i have since realized i have two levels of television interaction- i either don't watch any TV, at all, or i get deeply involved in a show. what's new in my life? well my friends, jim and pam, blah blah blah....it's kind of sick and i sort of hate it about myself, but that's kind of what i've been doing right now outside of work. which i could vent about for hours and hours, but won't. i love starbucks, seriously- i like the people and the general work environment and the hours don't bug me, but i can think of a few ways that the company could fix what's been going on. meritocracy, bitches.

ok so i think i need to pretty much update on the entire month of august, which will sound like this: got a new car, sadie, love her. why ever, ever drive without the top down? this is a metaphor for life, too, by the way. i spent a whole week in santa cruz, that i never wrote about it makes sense because i definitely found something i had been missing that doesn't necessarily beget words. fresh blackberry pancakes, sumo wrestling, bbqs, moving alli to tears (?), driving up the one, reneeeeeeeeee, set, so much fabulous time with akiva, erin, emily, akiva's birthday at the beach and the boardwalk, the lounge with katie and hannah until five am with randoms in saturn, omfg college adventures, driving home from the beach with erin blasting pokerface and mika, i missed absolutely nothing there. as i said to ruby, it centered me- made me realize i had just been experiencing a void of elation, a feeling i was chasing in a specific person when really it is easier to find than that. i can't even describe, it was just such a good week. beautiful weather.

other highlights of home, this month. yevi's birthday party at citywalk was quite fun, dancing with sergio at saddleranch, warm from patron, i guess hot girls don't pay for drinks in LA, only in n out. we had a night where we watched degrassi goes hollywood, white wine, driving through the valley with the top down, and inside i felt reckless and destructive, but outwardly i talked to you about your ex girlfriend, knowing there was nothing i could say but trying, anyway, as is my way. i was enjoying myself, even as exhaustion set it- even my car battery couldn't stay awake. this is an amusing memory to me. susie's birthday party was fun, i don't see those people enough, but, and then i came home and honestly felt death. one of those moments where i remember god exists, and he taught me what my moment of death will feel like, so now i know- so there's that. recently, my nights out have felt so very "valley" i might want to make a movie about it. sitting in our parents' backyards, smoking bowls listening to the velvet undergound. there's something very soothing about living the life you're nostalgic about.

i'm also suffering really bad allergies (the smoke? just shitty LA air quality? dust from my complete disaster of a room?) but it's been going on all week, at least, and makes sleeping really difficult. also, after a really mild and manageable two months, it has suddenly become SUMMER IN THE VALLEY which is hard on me.

i haven't been unhappy recently, more just the epitome of average. i am disconnected, but not in a bad or dangerous way that speaks to some deepseated anger or fear or issue. i just don't have much i feel like connecting to, but i am working on changing this. last night i dreamt i had come back to santa cruz, saw ann and hannah and jen, bianca, others i don't remember. was driving my car in deserted parking lots and holding you in the aisles of massive department stores, arms around your waist in that easy way of friends in love. it was this strange foreign thing that i am glad was not real, in the end, because i want relationships on my terms. i miss the people who challenge me, but i will reiterate- i am not unhappy. just kind of floating. i felt like i needed to write something before the month was over. will i feel a change when summer ends?

to frankie, my incredibly beloved tranny boy vehicle. everyone always thought you were a girl, because you're a red beetle after all, but i always knew there was something rockstar and genderless about you. from the supersweetsixteen moment when daddy surprised me by bringing you home. you were my college car, indicative of free love and good times. remember traversing all of LA with brett- sunset to the san fernando valley? remember getting so high with aliza in the hollywood hills? remember parallel parking in los feliz like the champion only you can be? you were the most "jordan" car that could have possibly existed and i fucking loved every minute of driving you.

as much personality as i give my cars, they're just machines, i know. which is why i will love sadie (my mom chose it! but i know, right?) just as much. we're about to get to know each other really, really well. see you in a week, los angeles :)

i saw (500) days of summer last night, as well as my ex boyfriend, for the first time in almost a year. not together, obviously. i saw the movie with yevi, liz, and lauren, and after we went our separate ways i got into my car and just cried. i didn't necessarily enjoy myself during the film, and i thought it was obviously a little too self consciously hip or whatever, but i kind of liked that it wasn't really on anyone's side, but while i was watching it i wanted the film to have some kind of theory of love, some kind of answer. maybe i feel like i'm 22 and i should have my own theory, my own answer. it's time for me to decide if i'm a cynic or a romantic. (No one need tell me how ridiculous this is.) so i disliked the film for being this glossy, pretty, well lit music video life even though i got that the point was how unreal our protagonist's take was. I don't know.

Obviously it was a sort of weird movie to see after seeing Matt, which I don't want to talk about here.

The current crew at my work are all really good friends, and it's so weird because I spend *so* much time there that like, are these people going to become my good friends? should i be at this hotel party in hollywood right now? or do i appreciate the distance, not just because the majority of these people are kids or fuck ups and drop outs. so i was thinking about friendship on the drive home tonight, how there's someone to whom i never say i love you, nor do i consciously think it when we talk, but i mean, obviously i do. a lot. life doesn't work this way, but in my top ten list of people in the world, he's in the top five. the other thought i had was: the way i/we felt that time we did molly. i wish friendship could feel like that all the time. everyone i work with is a huge raver, kind of a non sequitor. i am missing moments of euphoria.

even the pains show, while FUCKING BEYOND AMAZING, didn't click for me in that way that just felt warm and calming all over. is my love affair with brett over? i didn't think so, sitting at cinespia sunday night, whispering to each other over a shared bottle of white wine and rubbing shoulders in that easy, intimate way, but hey, guess what, i'm a very hard person to know. i know i am. and i admire and respect everyone who loves me because i know what a job it is. and it's wickedly, painfully disappointing when someone you want to love doesn't have the wherewithal to handle you. that moment when we were on molly, i thought you did. i really, really wish i couldn't find a way to make everything about my fucking friendship with milo.

i'm so looking forward to my weekend journey. me and frankie and the right direction (north). going to sleep now so i can wake up early and take care of my shit because my goal is to be out of the house by ten am. maybe tomorrow night will bring that warmth.

the pains of being pure at heart show was fantastic because it began with me doing the best parallel parking job of my life and ended with brett and i dancing to rocketship with peggy wang. do do do do do, do do do do do do do.....

day seven: organic rice, unsweetened fruit juice, and vegetable day.
so basically i'm training myself to live on nothing but i like the way it feels (um is this the definition of anorexia? whatever). first day at my internship was low key and non stressful and positive. i didn't do much, made some calls and organized some dvds. oh, but i got a 60 dollar parking ticket which my eight hour shift at starbucks just barely paid off, but i did this double shift and didn't die. one of my supervisors told me i had a really good chance at becoming a supervisor if i wanted to around october. it was an interesting prospect. but, oh my god, working with elkie is like...the best thing ever. reminds me of my first summer, and i know we'll always have each others' backs because that's the kind of person she is, and today was just lovely knowing we're back in each other's lives. yay yay yay. somewhere in the back of my mind i miss coming home to someone who will rub my feet and massage my back and be tender with me after a long day at work, that kind of thing. i miss having someone to come home to, when you're too tired to really be social but without it you forget that anyone in the world is ever thinking of you. i feel markedly different now, but there's still at least one moment every day where i miss you. brett will be here in a week and i am going to fold myself into him and just feel safe. i feel like in santa cruz, my friends and i were always cherishing each other and i miss that sensation. of being cherished (yeah, whatever, narcissistic, whatever). every night when i drive home, 98.7 plays "kids" and i turn it up until my ears bleed and scream it. there's at least one moment every day where i miss you.

sigh. three am always makes me dramatic.

day six: beef and veggies.
...i totally kicked this thing's ass today. all i had was salad and this epic salmon i grilled, and celery and carrots and a cup of coffee. i should have had the soup, i know, but i'm proud of myself. also exhausted from work, but in a happy way. like, new jobs always stress me out a lot, but coming back to starbucks i never fear that i'm not going to be good at my job. i make amazing lattes, if only i could drink them. and my managers just love me so much, it makes me a better employee. weird. tomorrow i work with elkie and i am like going to cry, the idea of seeing her makes me so excited. but tomorrow i also start my internship (!!!) and work a thirteen hour day. i'm weirdly not stressed about this internship, either, a first. maybe because i'm not getting paid, i have nothing to lose. i'm sure i'll be nervous tomorrow. my eustachian tube is acting up for the first time in a while, in a really really bad way. i should remember to take ibuprofen with me tomorrow, it got pretty gnarly and distracting at work. watched weeds with aliza and i am so down with the way we can talk now. am going to pass out now in a huge way.

day five: beef and tomatoes.
i don't eat tomatoes. but i did ok. today, i wrote a lot of letters that i'll never send. i am gearing up for an exceptionally long work week. i found a journal kept on a mushroom trip once and it contains things both hilarious and heartbreaking, moments i vividly remember and words i can't believe i ever thought. i cannot wait for brett to be here next week; i think it will be the boost that keeps me going as a begin to drain the valley of its precious resources. why anyone would voluntarily move to this city is beyond me. andrea gibson came randomly on my itunes today, "wells to fill," and i wish i was a poet. i have two illnesses and my goal for the summer is to cure myself of both. let me cure myself of you.